The Invisible Work of Being the Family’s Memory Keeper
Issue #8: The labor of love and mental load that lasts a lifetime. Plus, tips on how to be in more photos you like!
Hello all! I am reporting to you from the other side of my husband’s night shift, AKA the worst rotation of all time. (If you’re new here, hi! My husband, Moshe, is a medical resident and he works crazy hours 🫠.) These past two weeks were… something. I solo parented in the mornings, evenings, and on the weekends — and the days that Moshe was “off” he had to spend sleeping. So not only did I solo-parent, but I had to keep a three-year-old out of our bedroom which is an impossible task in and of itself. (Big shout out to my local friends and family who helped me out over the last few weeks. I couldn’t have done it without you!) But finally, he starts a new rotation this week and won’t need to work for the next 4 weekends! I am a LUCKY WOMAN.
Anywho, I’ve been thinking about this topic for a while since I declared that I would catch up on photo book making as one of my maternity leave projects. The topic being: the mental load of being a memory maker. And documenter. And photographer. And party planner. And magic manifestor.
This is not a role unique to me — rather, in the vast majority of couples I know, the mom takes on this role. It’s all about the quiet work required for magic in the home to transpire, and to then bottle up those memories and keep them for the kids (and ourselves!) to look back on one day. I love this role and I take pride in it. But, can we acknowledge that being the memory keeper feels like a full time job? You’re always on, snapping pics, and then stressing out about what to do with said pics. And if you’re like me, at some point you’ll inevitably start to develop “photo-book guilt syndrome” where you feel guilty about not having made more photo books of your kids, and then you stew in that guilt for another 6 months or so. And then there’s the work that’s required to actually have something to photograph — the outings, the parties, the gatherings, the holidays. You do it all. It’s a lot!
I’m not coming to you with magical fixes for all of this stuff, but I do want to validate that this role is so rewarding yet so draining, and that you’re certainly not alone in some of the struggles that come with this element of mothering.
I wanted to share all my recent “memory keeping” tasks in the hopes that this sparks ideas, brands to use, and even conversations. If you have figured this whole thing out or have any helpful systems in place, I’d love to know!
Made three photo books using Shutterfly: a 2023 family album, a 2024 family album, and an album from last spring’s trip to Europe.
Our new photo books - 8x8 Tip: this was a great activity during those early months of nursing baby. The Shutterfly phone app is pretty good actually, and the smart templates were key for making album compilation easier.
I should note, part of this task is coupon clipping to make sure you’re getting the best deal on photo books, because man those suckers are EXPENSIVE. But they do run promos a lot.
Generally speaking I liked using Shutterfly and for the quantity of pages in my books, the price was right. HOWEVER, I’ve used Chatbooks in the past and I liked how my album covers came out better than the Shutterfly ones. But I think that’s just because I didn’t select the best finishes for my Shutterfly books (in the future I will select matte covers!)… ah well.
Some other photo book brands I’ve looked at are Artifact Uprising and Mixbook. Do you have a recommendation? I’d love to hear.
Designed and illustrated the invitation to my daughter’s third birthday party.
Was it necessary to spend several hours creating the illustration? No, but I genuinely love making invitations so this was actually fun for me.
The invitation (with some personal info redacted). I love how it came out!
Planned said birthday party including the decor, food, activities, etc. We kept it limited to mainly just friends in our building, but planning and hosting for any size group is still a whole to do!
Added to our collection of “Birthday Videos” — a tradition we started when my toddler turned one. Every year we take a video and ask a series of questions — just to get a sense of where’s she’s at physically, verbally, etc. We now have 3 of these videos and it’s so sweet looking back on the first two and seeing how much she’s grown!
Tip: I have an album in my phone called “Beiser Birthday Videos” where I keep these.
Decided that enough is enough with the blank wall in our living area, and finally ordered some Mixtiles (which came out sooo great!). The easiest photo installation I’ve ever experienced — it’s all in the magnets!
Our Mixtiles! Opened up email accounts for my kids. I hope to email them little notes, photos, and other mementos as the years go by. One day they’ll gain access to these accounts and be able to look through their digital scrapbook.
We used Gmail — they make it easy to open an account for a child! Embarked on the journey that is the annual Jewish holiday of Purim! While there’s a lot of meaning behind the holiday, the most notable parts are like Halloween: we dress up in costumes and give out thematically related “goody bags” to our friends. (For more info on Purim, read here!)
This year, we dressed up as the Frozen characters with three-year-old as Elsa, baby as Anna (we love a cute sister theme!), me as Olaf and Mo as Sven the reindeer. It was cute!
Our little Elsa and Anna Between ordering costumes, purchasing and compiling said goody bags, crafting and printing out a cute note to go with it, this whole process took several hours over the course of the week. (I know that making holiday magic around Christmas time is also a whole thing — so if that’s a job you take on every December, I see you!)
Taking very regular photos and videos, sending them to family, and not being in nearly enough photos myself. *sigh*
I’d love to hear from you: what are some ways you’re making and keeping your family’s memories? Tell me about your systems!
Related to my laundry list above, one of the hard things I’ve found is successfully being in more pictures with my kids, and actually liking the way I look in them. Here are some tips I’ve uncovered recently.
How to be in more photos and actually like how they come out:
If you’re using an iPhone, give the camera to someone to take a picture when it’s already set to portrait mode.
Also, if possible, scope out a good background yourself, and then hand the camera over with yourself already positioned appropriately. Don’t trust the person who you just threw your phone to to capture the best lighting and angles — take that part into your own hands. Position yourself towards the light, or better yet, head outdoors!
ASK to be photographed! By your husband, your mother in law, your sister, your friend. If you want something captured, you gotta be your own hype girl here. Not because people don’t want you to have photos of yourself with your kids, but because naturally, they’re probably not thinking about your lifelong, documented memories in the given moment.
Be the person who volunteers to take photos for others. It feels great to be a catalyst for memory keeping for other people (especially moms!) and chances are, it’ll help people be quicker to take your photo as well.
Take the pressure off with some candid shots. It’s easy to be overly critical of our smiles and general appearance in posed photos, but if you have someone capture candid moments, those look much more genuine and are thereby harder to be critical of!
Tip: if nobody is around to photograph you, set up your phone on self-timer and start videoing. Later, go through the video and screenshot the candids that you like the best!
Do you have any other tips here? Let me know!
Listening:
Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff
I'm not much of a parenting book reader, but this one has been on my radar for a while. When a subscriber recommended it after a recent issue of The Motherload, I figured it was time to finally check it out. (Thanks for the rec, Malka N.!) The book explores parenting practices in three different non-Western cultures, offering insights into how we can apply these approaches in our own families – hopefully raising kids who are more helpful, thoughtful, and engaged in family life. I’m really enjoying it so far! Plus, sign me up for anything that promises insights for getting my 3 year-old to be more a little more cooperative.
Watching:
The White Lotus (season 3)
This show is so weird and so fun. This season, we’re brought along to The White Lotus in Thailand for some more deep dives on the resort’s rich guests and their questionable decisions. This show never has much fast-paced action, but I do like the drama and the ease. I’m about 5 episodes in — it’s fun, but by far not the best show out there. (Severance would have to get that title in my book. That finale!!!)
Learning:
Spanish, via Duolingo!
Duolingo is a language learning app, and is considered the best in class example of a digital education product out there. I’m working on a project for work around in-product education, and I wanted to download this app to see what all the fuss was about. I love it! I currently have a 14 day streak going (which Duo, the owl, is VERY proud of me for) and I’ve actually learned a fair bit of beginner’s Spanish! The lessons are like 2 minutes each and it’s all gamified and fun, engaging content. They have a bunch of language options, and even an option for learning math and music which I think is so cool and very clever. If you are curious about another language, give it a shot!
Tried and loved:
My walking pad!
A few issues ago I mentioned that I was going to get one of these, and I wanted to report back since I’ve now used it. This is AMAZING and it’s the only reason I’m getting regular movement in during my days since returning to work. I pair it with my standing desk, and I can get to 10k steps if I use it for even just 1.5 hours (which is easy to achieve with a bunch of meetings during the day!). Plus, the one I got folds in half so it’s easy to store under my desk.
(I believe they’re currently having a sale!)
So this week, I want to challenge you to be in more pictures — to capture these moments not just for your family, but for yourself. It’s a big ask, I know, but there’s joy to be found in it. Let’s make the memories and be part of them.
That’s all for now! If you liked this email I would be SO HONORED if you’d:
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💜 Rachel
i have a 2 month old and i was trying to explain to my husband how it’s so stressful wanting to document everything, but also be present, but also make scrapbooks, but also fill out the baby book, but also make sure to print the iphone photos out and store them, but also take posed monthly photos with my baby, but also print them and hang them on the wall. the list goes on and on and on.
i feel SO SEEN ,THANK YOU!!
Love! Ordered the parenting book :)