How to be a Good Friend, Even When You're Spread Thin and Overwhelmed

Issue #12: Because burned-out moms deserve friends, too! Plus: a show I'm obsessed with, a Shark-Tank product I'm loving, and a surprising natural aid for healthy digestion

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately. What’s been working, what’s been lacking, where I’ve been disappointed, and where I see new opportunities. Friendship as an adult is a complex topic, I think because there isn’t a specific formula to it.

In fact, turns out it actually takes many cumulative hours to establish a friendship:

In 2018, a study by Professor Jeffrey Hall suggested that it takes the average adult roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend. For more advanced levels of friendship, it can take more than 200 hours before you can consider someone a true, “close” friend.

This explains why friends are your everything when you’re growing up in school — you literally spend almost all your waking hours with them, so you hit those 200 hours pretty quickly. When I was in high school, not only was I with my friends from like 7:30am until 5pm, but we’d also ride home together, hang out in the car outside someone’s house for another hour, then reconvene after dinner to study, go to extracurriculars, or just talk on the phone for the rest of the night.

College is like this too, but even more so, because you’re now LIVING with your friends.

Me + my college roomies (I’m on the far right!)

When Moshe was in medical school, we lived in the Bronx on his school’s campus alongside several other young couples in the early stages of married (and eventually parent) life. It was an amazing community. We regularly spent time with friends who lived — in some cases — down the hall, a flight of stairs away, or at most, across the courtyard. It felt a little like college again in the best way.

But real, grown up living isn’t typically set up this way. Most people live in a single family home and may not have friends who live just minutes away. All of a sudden, the hours of the day that used to be shared by friends are now devoted to a combo of work, household to-dos, or taking care of children. It’s SO hard to find regular time to keep up with existing friends, and it’s even harder to make new ones.

I could probably write a whole other issue about making new friends as an adult, (let me know if you are interested in that topic!) but this issue is more-so about how to show up for your existing friends, and how to keep those relationships alive — especially when you’re barely keeping your head above water. Because let’s face it — life is lonely and we need people to journey with.

First and foremost, if you’re genuinely in survival mode right now, please do what you can to get your own oxygen mask on. I am definitely not suggesting that you should put the needs of others above your own. This is for people who are in the trenches (like me) but are mostly functional day to day. (“Mostly functional” is a win in my book!)

So, here are some tips for low-effort friendship that I’ve lived myself — either as the giver, receiver (or both!).

5 low-effort ways to be a good friend (regardless of geography!)

1. Can’t do a meal train? Don’t get sucked into the “performative friend” trap — find alternatives that genuinely work for you. Most moms I know barely have capacity to make legit dinner for their own family many nights of the week. If you're running on empty yet forcing yourself to cook for someone else just so you don’t feel like a “bad friend,” you’re on a fast track to resentment (and burnout). One swap I love: pick up lunch for your friend instead. It’s still a meal, but it’s takeout — easier for you, maybe more fun and interesting for her, and you can toss in a little treat to make it feel special. A friend did this for me after I had a baby, and I loved it. I copied the move recently for a different friend in my building, and it was such a low-lift but high-impact way to show up.

   

   Midday coffee + a treat from my friend Keili when I was postpartum!

2. Tack an offer or favor onto something you’re already doing. This one works especially well for local friends, because you won’t need to bend over backwards in order to make an impact. Going to Trader Joes? Ask them if they need an item or two. Dropping off food for a new mom? Stay for five extra minutes and wash a few bottles. These minor gestures take minimal effort on your part, but they land big on the receiving end.

3. Share what’s actually going on in your life. Be open, honest, and vulnerable, so your friend knows they can do the same. I truly can’t overstate this one. It’s hard to open up about something heavy and be met with silence or surface-level chatter (I’ve been there!). Life is hard. We’re all dealing with messy, complicated stuff. We shouldn’t have to carry it all alone — and being real with each other lightens the load on both sides.

4. Use the reminder app. It would be crazy to keep track of everything in your friends lives off the top of your head. But you CAN set a reminder to check in at meaningful moments or specific dates. For example, six weeks after a friend gives birth (when everyone else has moved on but she might be feeling especially alone), on the anniversary of a loss, or the day they’re supposed to get their MRI results. Those check-ins matter. And while we’re at it, make a point to learn their birthdays (especially relevant for good friends you make once you’re already in your mom era!) and put them in your calendar. It sucks to forget a close friend’s birthday, or worse, to never have learned it in the first place.

5. Send a voice note instead of texting. At least for me, texting can sometimes feel like another chore on the to-do list. A voice note is often faster and feels more personal! You can ramble, laugh, cry, vent — and the other person can hear your tone and warmth. (Confession: I love voice notes so much that I sometimes send them in a work Slack just to quickly communicate something LOL) Plus, it's easier to do while walking, driving, or hopping from one task to the next. I’ve had entire “conversations” with friends this way that helped us feel connected even when we couldn’t find time to talk live.

The bottom line is that friendship is hard, and friendship when you’re an overworked and spread-thin mom is even harder. But even in these intense seasons it still matters, maybe more than ever. We can’t always show up perfectly or in big ways, but we can show up with intention. “I’m too busy” should no longer be an excuse for not reaching out to a friend, because as hopefully I’ve conveyed, you can still connect even with limited time and capacity. And of course, friendship has to be reciprocal to really work. If you're putting in the effort and it’s not being returned, they’re probably not your person.

So go on — send that voice note, add her birthday to your calendar, and pick her up that one thing from the grocery story. Show up in small yet authentic ways, and you’ll be surprised at just how much impact your actions have.

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What other low-lift friendship ideas do you have? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Reading

• Mother / Founder — A great read for my entrepreneurial friends! This coffee table style book features stories from 68 inspiring business owners and moms who offer a look into their background and advice for other moms x entrepreneurs. It would also make a great gift for the ambitious mom friend in your life!

Watching

• Paradise (Hulu) — OMG. I can’t stop thinking about this show. I watched it in about a week and I’m excited that it’s already been picked up for a second season. It’s about a Secret Service agent who is investigating the death of the president. The best part about this show is that you don’t truly know what it’s about until the end of episode 1, so the whole premise becomes a twist in and of itself. I HIGHLY recommend. And after you watch, come back to me so we can discuss!

  

• The Four Seasons (Netflix) — This is such a fun and light watch, and it’s actually really funny! It’s about three couples navigating life, love, and everything in between; starring Tina Fey, Steve Carrell and others.

Using

• Cakes Body nipple covers — this innovative product was on Shark Tank and it’s definitely worth the hype. They’re silicone nipple covers that can be worn in place of a bra or in a pad-less bra if you’re looking for some extra coverage. I bought these when I was officially fed up with the always-shifting pads in sports bras, and they’ve come in handy now that I exclusively wear the Larken nursing/pumping bras which are my favorite but don’t have any padding (I am obsessed with the Larken and am sorry to report that yes it is worth the $). Also, the company just recently announced that they’ll be giving their employees $36,000 for childcare expenses which is an incredible and groundbreaking benefit in the workplace! So awesome.

Cakes Body, grippy CAKES circles™

Listening

• PAW Patrol: Eye Spy a Rescue Podcast. My 3yo is slowly getting into audio content, and this podcast is a great venture to start with. It still feels produced in a way that’s familiar to TV (sound effects, music, background noises, etc.) so it’s super engaging. My only complaint is that there’s only a handful of episodes, so we’ve already sped through them all! (If you have other toddler friendly toddler recs, please drop them in the comments!)

Consuming

• Chia seeds! Ok these little guys are MAGICAL when it comes to digestion. Pregnancy and postpartum can be hard on a woman’s digestive system (read: constipation) and chia seeds are weirdly effective at keeping things moving regularly. Big shout out to my amazing nutritionist, Kristen for this rec! (I’ll be doing a future issue more on nutrition featuring Kristen, so stay tuned for that!)

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💜 Rachel