Making It Work When the Split Isn’t Equal
Issue #3: Tips for balancing parenting and housework when one parent has a demanding job outside the home—plus survival hacks and a few favorites!
Greetings from the midst of January. It’s been pretty cold here on the East Coast, so instead of braving the outdoors, I’ve been mall hopping with some postpartum friends during maternity leave. Not great for my credit card, but it’s been a lifesaver to get out, walk, and see people! I stand by the opinion that January is by far the worst month of the year. If you’re feeling the winter blues too, you’re not alone! Hang in here.
When brainstorming topics for this newsletter, one theme kept surfacing: navigating parenting and housework with a partner who’s out of the house a LOT. I know there is so much advice out there about how to split the load with a partner (with excellent resources on this as well - here is one of them) but for me, equally sharing responsibilities just isn’t feasible.
My husband, Moshe, is in his medical residency—a notoriously grueling program with long hours and intense work. (It’s a three-year program, followed by three more years of fellowship. Go hug your resident friends!) Most days, he’s out the door by 6 a.m. and doesn’t get home until 8 p.m., which means I’m solo parenting in the mornings before school and in the afternoon through bedtime. On top of that, there are nights when he’s on overnight shifts, completely disrupting any sense of normalcy. He frequently works one weekend day as well, turning what used to be the time to rest and recharge into an even more intense stretch of solo childcare and household responsibilities for me. 😵💫
And of course, there’s always laundry to be done, rooms to tidy, children to bathe, etc. We’ve had to find a balance between sharing the load and being realistic about what Moshe can take on given his demanding schedule.
Here are a few of the survival tactics we rely on to get through these challenging rotations—focused on splitting the load, outsourcing, pay for your village, and lowering the bar. If you or your partner are navigating a demanding work schedule, I hope these ideas bring you a little relief and help lighten the overwhelm!
1. Redefine what “splitting” looks like
Even with Moshe’s demanding schedule, we still split the load—though the divide isn’t perfectly even. He always takes on two specific tasks even if he gets home late, which are: washing the dishes that don’t go in the dishwasher and packing our toddler’s lunch for the next day. [Side note: we’ve signed her up for hot lunch at school, so “packing lunch” really just means tossing together snacks.] This also means that he’s responsible for the mental load that is associate with these tasks like keeping track of when her snacks run low and adding them to the grocery list. Having him completely own these two tasks is a huge help.
Tip: If your partner has a crazy schedule, identify tasks they can consistently own—no matter how busy they are. Don’t let the full mental and physical load default to you just because you’re technically more available!
2. Outsource if you can
There are many services you can use to outsource tasks but for me, Instacart is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Since Moshe’s residency started in July 2023, I haven’t set foot in a large supermarket—aside from the occasional trip to Trader Joe’s or a specialty market. I’m not exaggerating! Grocery shopping used to feel daunting because it requires developing a mental map of where everything is in the store—not to mention the time and energy it takes. With Instacart, I’ve saved both. In fact, according to the app, I’ve saved 105 hours so far 😮. I can work on my grocery list while I’m nursing or doing other slow tasks, so I feel like actually using the service easily fits into my life.
Tip: Several credit cards actually offer promos with Instacart+ memberships! Look online or call your credit card provider to see if you can score any discounts or special offers.
Outsourcing doesn’t need to cost money — the alternative is being comfortable asking for help. (I know this is something that so many moms struggle with!) Some examples of free outsourcing that I utilize are asking a local relative to help out here and there when I’m solo with the kids, and asking my sister if she can pick up my daughter from school one day a week. This can work even if these helpers aren’t relatives - neighbors or friends may be willing to pitch in and help out. Doesn’t hurt to ask!
3. Consider paying for your village
I’ve hired a mother’s helper, and honestly, my life will never be the same 😍. During Moshe’s most intense rotations, she comes over every evening from 6-8 p.m. and helps with tasks like:
Dinner and bath time for my toddler
Folding laundry
Packing my toddler’s lunch for the next day (when she’s able to do this, this is one less thing for Moshe to do when he gets home)
Tidying up our general space
Holding the baby so I can spend one-on-one time with my toddler
Our mother’s helper is essentially an extra set of hands, happy to jump in wherever I need help. Having her around has been a game changer — by the time my kids are in bed and she leaves, I actually have time for myself instead of starting the never-ending list of household tasks. Hiring help is definitely an added expense but I’ve found that for my sanity and mental health, it’s an expense that’s absolutely worth it.
4. Lower the bar
Identify what’s truly non-negotiable for you and what you can let slide. If you know you’ll lose your mind if the kitchen counters aren’t clear, then that’s your bar. But if you can live with laundry sitting in the dryer overnight or toys cluttering the floor, your must-do list suddenly becomes much smaller. Lowering the bar will preserve your sanity and help you get more sleep (!!!). There will always be more that could get done, but it doesn’t all have to get done. Find your personal barometer and give yourself permission to stick to it! [A great resource for this topic is How to Keep House While Drowning.]
I’d love to hear from you—what are your go-to parenting or home hacks for making things work when you or your partner isn’t around as much? I’m all about crowdsourcing and sharing ideas, so drop a comment and let’s swap tips!
And now, for my roundup of recommendations, which will henceforth be referred to as:
Reading:
Slow Productivity (Cal Newport)
I’m listening to this on Audible, and it’s a fantastic guide on how to sustain progress on big projects or goals. Motherhood often feels like a long-term project (with plenty of mini ones along the way), so this book really resonates.For the kids: Did you know Highlights is still around? My wonderful mother-in-law got my toddler a subscription to their magazine, and now we have a new one to look forward to every month. They offer magazines for all ages (even under 2!), and it’s been a hit at our house. Highly recommend!
Watching:
High Potential (Hulu)
I’ve been loving this detective procedural about a single mom with a super high IQ who teams up with the police department to solve crimes. It’s clever and fun!
Three Products I’m Using Nonstop:
Visual Timer: I honestly don’t know how we managed life with a toddler before this timer! With its fun colors (we went with pink) and a clear visual countdown, it’s been a game changer for activity transitions. Our toddler loves setting it herself, and we give her a heads-up that when the timer goes off, it’s time to move on to XYZ. If you have a child who likes to feel in control, this tool is a lifesaver.
The Nozebot: Think of this as an upgraded version of the classic Frida snot sucker—minus the mouth power. I’ve been using it since my new baby was born, and it clears her nose quickly and easily. Bonus: it’s FSA/HSA eligible!
Lou & Grey Half Zip Scubasoft Pullover: I’m deeming this top from LOFT / Lou & Grey as the ultimate postpartum shirt — it has a half zip so it’s perfect for nursing/pumping, and it has a baggier midsection so it’s ideal if you’re not ready to sport super tight clothes just yet. It’s also currently 40% off!
Instagram moms worth the follow:
Emily Scott James
Emily is a professional dancer turned mom and recently had twin girls. She makes the best dancing-as-a-mom videos and is generally an uplifting account to follow. Love her!Emily Vondy
If you’re not following Emily Vondy yet, you’re missing out. She’s a Minnesota mom with the accent and politeness to prove it, but more than that, she’s so wholesome while also being a comedic genius.Busy Mom Finds Time (Bailey)
I just came across Bailey’s IG account and I love it! She’s an attorney and mom of two and her page is kind of like a catchall for all things busy motherhood. Lots of validation and inspiration here!Katy Fassett
Katy is a mom of four boys whose account inspires moms to be healthy postpartum. She shares her own journey through pregnancy and postpartum weight changes, along with tons of tips and encouragement.
If you want to read more:
Do you have a tip to make motherhood easier? I’m all ears!
Have a great week and make sure to do something for yourself!
~ Rachel